In nowadays culture, there is a tendency to disapprove or stigmatise anger, perceiving it as a negative and socially undesirable emotion. There’s a possibility to experience shame or guilt, when we are angry, exactly because of these social norms. Consequently, we may feel pressure to suppress or hide our anger, which can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms or a lack of honest communications about important issues.
Gabot Maté, Canadian physician and author, encourages us to view anger not merely as an unwanted emotion but as a messenger, urging us to explore the underlying emotional landscape, address our wounds, and embark on a path of healing and self-discovery.
1. What is anger?
Anger is a natural and complex human emotion which is often characterised by displeasure, irritation, and frustration. It involves physiological and psychological responses. Physiologically, when a person becomes angry, they may experience increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, muscle tension, and the release of stress hormones like adrenaline. Anger often leads to cognitive and behavioural changes too, such as increased focus on the source of anger, a desire to confront, and changes in communication style (such as raised voice or aggressive language).
2. What is anger trying to tell you?
Anger never arises out of nowhere. If you feel anger, there is a good reason for it. Often this reason might be hidden from us, meaning it is unconscious. Let’s look at in what situations anger appears and what it wants to tell you:
a) Crossed boundaries
Boundaries define the limits and space that we need to feel safe, respected, and in control of our lives. Crossing boundaries might include: invasion of personal space, touching without consent, excessive criticism, emotional manipulation, lying and others. When someone crosses our boundaries, it can trigger anger as a natural response to protect one’s sense of self and well-being.
b) Unmet needs
We as human beings have a range of fundamental physiological, emotional and psychological needs – such as shelter, security, intimacy, connection, being heard and others. When those needs are not met, either in childhood or adulthood, it can lead to emotional pain and frustration.
c) Masking deeper emotional wounds and traumas
Anger can often serve as a protector. Just like when animals are wounded they react with aggression, so other animals won’t hurt them. The same goes for us as human beings.
As Eckhart Tolle wisely noted, “Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.” When we experience unresolved pain or trauma, anger rises as a primal response that attempts to safeguard us from further harm. This protective role of anger, though sometimes uncomfortable or even explosive, serves as a vital signal – a call to action.
3. How to work with our anger?
Often people identify with the anger and are led by it, this can manifest in screaming, being mean, even hitting and fighting. This is called acting-out – because we don’t honestly communicate why we experience anger and instead we show it through some actions. This is not a healthy way to deal with anger since actions like that just feed and support it. Instead, you can work on ways to express your anger in a healthy way.
a) Acknowledgment and acceptance
As we discussed, anger is a legitimate and natural emotion. Rather than acting out, bottling up or suppressing it, we encourage you to start by recognising your anger without judging it. You can start noticing where in your body you feel it and what changes occur within you. In this way it will be easier for you to recognise when you have anger and you will create space between you and the anger.
Acknowledge the anger as a signal that something within your inner world needs your attention. By accepting that this emotion is part of us, we can start working with it.
b) Exploration
Take time to understand the source of your anger and explore how it manifests in your life. When you are triggered in a specific situation, you can stop and notice what is provoking it: is it an unmet need? Crossed boundaries? Or do you feel a deeper pain that is rising?
Try to look for the deeper roots of the anger. Оften times anger in the present is being triggered because there is something not resolved in the past and we are projecting it onto the present moment.
c) Effective communication
Effective communication means to engage in open and honest dialogue with others, particularly when addressing sources of conflict and frustration. Constructive and assertive communication helps convey your feelings without resorting to aggression or passive-aggressiveness, fostering understanding and resolution.
d) Setting boundaries
There’s a tendency in relationships not to communicate our boundaries clearly, therefore when the other person crosses them we start ro feel angry and think that “they should know that this is not right”. However, people don’t read minds. Therefore, each of us should look inside and understand what the boundaries are.
Furthermore, some people have the tendency to people-please, meaning they say “yes” even though they want to say “no”. Over time, this often leads to frustration.
e) Stress reduction techniques
Engaging in physical activities such as exercise or sports can help release some of the energy and tension. Furthermore, practices like mindfulness, meditation, or yoga can assist in calming the mind and regulate the nervous system. These practices help you create further space between your authentic Self and the anger.
d) Seek support
Consider therapy to help you explore and work through the underlying causes of anger and processing emotional wounds. Therapy,in an individual or group setting, can provide a safe space for you to explore and address the roots of your anger, learn coping strategies, and work towards healthier ways of expressing and managing this intense emotion.
By understanding the roots of anger, acknowledging its validity, and expressing it in healthier ways, we can navigate the often turbulent waters of anger with self-awareness and compassion. The goal is not to completely eliminate anger but to transform it into a catalyst for personal growth and emotional healing.
